Odd Numbers

Life is about change and growth, welcoming people into your life and sadly saying goodbye to others. I have gone through a lot of transitions over the last year and a half, grown a lot and really come to know myself better than I ever really did before. The one thing that really hasn’t changed though, is that I usually feel like the odd one out. And with one of the newest transitions in my life, it has been brought to the forefront of my mind lately.

All of my friends are now paired up with someone and I am the only single person in the group. I still get together with friends one on one, but most events seem to have everyone partnered up together, creating an odd number when I’m there. My friends have never made me feel unwelcome at these events, but I definitely feel my singleness on occasion. And now that my last single friend has someone in her life, I feel it a little bit more. Especially since the times we usually used to hang out together are now spent with the new guy in her life.

Am I jealous? Maybe a little, but not so much that there is someone in her life now (or any of my married/ partnered friends’ lives) that takes time away from me, but because I want someone in my life too. At least most of the time I do, there are other times when I wonder if maybe I am better off remaining alone, or if being alone is what is meant for me. Afterall, I have been single for a really long time and have rarely dated during that time. I’m used to being on my own… to being a party of 1 (or 3, or 5); its safe. But it’s also lonely at times.

In our society, it seems like everyone is supposed to be in a couple. I often get pitying glances when I eat in a restaurant alone. I have friends offering advice on where to meet people and what websites to sign up for, and telling me just to hook up with someone for sex once in a while. And I have signed up with various internet dating sites over the years, but I haven’t had much luck. And while I don’t condemn anyone who goes for the casual hookup, I just can’t do that. I need more of a connection before I can be intimate with anyone, and that kind of connection doesn’t come in a night at a bar or a club.

I’ve always said that I don’t need a man in my life to be happy, and I don’t. I am totally happy most of the time on my own. But I know that having someone special in my life would only enrich it further. I still believe (most of the time), that there is someone out there for me, and that I will meet him when the time is right. But there are days when I really wish he would hurry up and get here!

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