Lost

So this week I have been able to get back to my cardio workouts. I started walking to (or from) work again and got back into the gym and back to my 5k training.  So far I’ve also gotten in the first of 3 strength training sessions this week. I am really happy about this! I have also started taking my lunch/dinner to work and am eating much better for lunch and dinner, though am still struggling to get healthy breakfasts in the morning. I have the fixings, I’m just not making them. I think part of the reason for that, maybe all of the reason for it, is that I have been in a funk for the last week. I was hoping that getting my cardio workouts back on track would help to shake me out of it, but that does not appear to be the case so far.

There are several things that could be contributing to this funk, perhaps its a combination of all of them. But really I just have not been happy, and being happy with my life is important to me. I try to remain positive and focus on the good things, and usually choose to find the happy in everyday, but I’ve had just a bit of a harder time finding that happy lately. Maybe its the letdown after all of the rush from the weeks I was externing, maybe its the fact that the school is not going to graduate me because they feel I’m 8 hours short of my time, though the hospital feels I’ve met all of my obligations (not that I am pursuing a career in the field, but I went through a lot just to finish this program, so it pretty much sucks that I did it all for nothing). Maybe its the drag of an endless winter and the lack of sunshine, maybe it’s because I’ve coming up on a year since I’ve seen my parents or my boys. Maybe I’m just over thinking things too much…

All that I know at this point is that I’m lonely and feel disconnected from people. Most of the people here in Washington don’t know my past and everything that I’ve gone through to get to where I am. They only know what I’ve told them. So I feel sometimes like I’m a little isolated from them. Part of that is probably my own fault, but I really don’t know. And honestly, I don’t know a whole lot of people here, there are basically 5 people in the Seattle area that I feel any connection to at all, plus my brother and his wife a bit further south. I really want to go home for a visit, see my parents and my boys, bask in the sunshine for a little while, get one of Jeremy’s amazing hugs (he really gives the best hugs on the planet and I could so use one right about now). Unfortunately with the state of my finances, I make just enough to cover the rent and bills with a little left over for food, and really don’t see that changing any time soon until I get promoted or find a 2nd job. So the money for a ticket to San Diego just doesn’t exist right now. And maybe its just the homesickness that’s really dragging me down.

So this is not a happy, positive blog, which is what I normally try to stick to, but its honest at least, and really no one reads my blog anyway, so it’s really just for me…

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One response

  1. I read your blogs. I am sorry that you feel so disjointed from everything and everyone. As for the extern ship, I know how u feel about it but I’d do it just to throw it back in Susan’s face. It’s only a few hours and then you can leave that school and those people behind forever. I can see their point but I see yours as well…I’m just saying that this has the possibility of becoming a growing thought in your head and I don’t want that for you. I will tell you this, I know how u feel about wanting to go home. I think about it often. I miss my dad and especially my bro. You’re very lucky to have some family here but I know what u mean about wanting to see the boys and your parents. I hope your funk goes away soon…I feel 98% responsible for it to be honest. You got to do what you got to do, Michelle – but do it for you and your own piece of mind. Look on the bright side…you officially know more peeps up here than I do and I’m coming up on three years, haha – how’s that for a gas! You and I have been quite disjointed too but I still love ya and I’m sad to see u r sad but I hope that the sunshines for u again very soon.

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